Mitt Romney with his wife Ann and his fiancee Ann
Timothy Horrigan © 2007
(And why did you hear this shocking news here first, and not in the mainstream media? See the end of the article for the rather un-shocking explanation.)
Mitt
Romney with his wife Ann and his fiancee Ann
December 4, 2007: 21 days before Christmas and 35 days before the New Hampshire Primary, Mitt Romney made a surprising announcement: he is taking additional wives. "This does not contradict my firmly held and utterly sincere belief that marriage is between one man and one woman. These women are not marrying me and my first wife Ann. They are each one woman marrying one man, that one lucky man being me, individually."
He went on to explain, "I am making this announcement now for three reasons. One is that the Office of First Lady has become too complex for just one woman, even one as remarkable as Ann. Ann will still be my Senior Wife, and hence she will have the additional title of First First Lady, but each of the others will be just as much a First Lady as she is."
"The second reason," he continued, "is because I don't want to be seen as running away from my Mormon faith. I want to go back to its roots, and plural marriage is one of its roots. I am proud of my religious heritage— unlike a certain Democrat Party candidate whose ancestors belonged to a religion which also allows polygamy. He chose not to espouse that particular faith but instead joined another, more politically correct church. I embrace all aspects of my ancestors' faith. Even those aspects which don't happen to be politically correct at the moment."
"The third reason is that I want to emphasize that the LDS [the Church of Latter Day Saints] is the most truly American of all religions. When Christ left Israel after his resurrection, he didn't go to France. He didn't go to Iran. He didn't go to Russia... he came here, he came to America!"
The first of his additional wives is columnist Ann Coulter. She will play the role of the Hillary in a Romney White House, although of course she would be a kinder, gentler, and more bipartisan Hillary.
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Next he introduced dancer Marie Osmond, who will be in charge of the glamour and entertainment aspect of the First Ladyship:
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She will be assisted by actress Liv Tyler, who not coincidentally grew up in the key Presidential Primary state of New Hampshire. Mitt will be the son-in-law of rock and roll great Steven Tyler— hence from now on, Mitt rather than the bass-playing Mike Huckabee will be the Rock and Roll Candidate.
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He hasn't forgotten about the key caucus state of Iowa, nor has he forgotten about working people or (legal) immigrants. His fourth additional wife will be 37-year-old Zdenka Oblast, a waitress and graduate student from Davenport, Iowa. She was originally from Russia, back in the good old days when it was still the Soviet Union: in 1981, at the age of 11, her family arrived as refugees after making their way (legally, of course!) from Kaliningrad to the Quad Cities with a dozen other families in a small fishing boat. They crossed the North Atlantic Ocean as well as the Gulf of Mexico, before finally making their way 1,000 miles upstream on the Mississippi River, just to taste freedom. In case you are wondering: Yes, he did tip her in cash during the photo op shown below rather than putting the tip on his campaign credit card, and No she does not have a "funny" accent. (She does have a funny name, but hey! Mitt Romney is a funny name too.)
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Perhaps his most surprising and significant choice for an additional wife was Noelle Bush, daughter of Jeb Bush and niece of Emperor Bush (and hence the cousin of Jenna & Barbara.) She is an expert on criminal justice and substance abuse issues, and she will help deliver the key battleground state of Florida in the Electoral College race— but her main political significance is as a symbol of the continuity of rule in a time of crisis. Noelle's betrothal to Mitt Romney assures that Romney's accession to the throne in 2009 would (or should I say "will") not mean an end to our tradition of Bush rule.
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(Why did you hear this here first? Because I made it up. It's satire— which is a fancy word for horseshit.)
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